My Son is Better Than Yours

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#mysonisbetterthanyours… My son is better than yours.

I saw that hashtag on a friend’s Facebook post recently.  Her post was simply a beautiful photo of her teenage son and herself, with the above hashtag, as well as #proudmomma.  Now, when I saw her photo, I hit that heart emoji, appreciating the fact that her teenage son not only was in the photo but also seemed to be playing along with the photographer’s directives of showing a protective face and stance.  Then what played out in the comments caught my eyes. 

One mom commented “mom goals,” observing that the original poster and her son were close, and he appreciated his mom and how hard she works.  Then another mom took offense to the hashtag *my son is better than yours* saying that is why there is “such messed up crap these days” and “mothers should teach their kids that everyone is equal, no one is better than anyone.”  There was a slew of comments back and forth between the two women explaining their side, but really it got me thinking:

Shouldn’t we be our child’s biggest fan, maybe even thinking they’re the best?

What is an appropriate way to convey that pride to our child- as well as others?

In considering these two points, I really went down a rabbit trail of Google searches involving praise, narcissism, bullying, and self-esteem, as well as how to brag appropriately about my child.  As the internet often does, it turned up articles to support different theories.   Bullies can be a product of low self-esteem; does that mean we should praise our children more?  Narcissism is more prevalent in Western culture, where we lean more toward lavish praise; does that mean I can praise my child into becoming a narcissist?  People love to hear about my children’s accomplishments; keep those brags coming?  Making hashtags like the one above also means you’re a narcissist; should we not openly share our pride in our children?

Many of the articles were opinion pieces, so I took that into consideration as we know what opinions are like, right?  There did seem to be some good science out there as well, for example, this article from Psychology Today on narcissism that cites studies done on the subject.  But in all of my reading, it does seem there are some common ideas when it comes to praise:

  • Be sincere – as children age, they can tell when you are praising just for the sake of praise, which can have the opposite effect and demotivate them.
  • Reserve your praise for characteristics they can control – for example, telling them they are the smartest in the class is like telling them they lucked out in the brain department.  Instead, compliment them on how hard they worked to learn a new subject.  Research has shown that focusing on their effort versus their talent is more motivating.
  • Refrain from using social comparison praise – Competition can be healthy, but training a child to use their competitive standings as a measure of their success can lead to loss of motivation, as well as create a sore loser.  Rather than promoting who they are better than, focus on their mastery of the skill. 
  • Use specific goals and achievements – After your child’s baseball game, don’t say “you were so awesome!  You are the best player I’ve ever watched!” Instead, let them know how you were proud to see how they kept their eye on the ball and got a hit to score a run.  Giving specific feedback helps them repeat success in the future.

I found these tips to be very helpful, as I am a super competitive person so I find that I am guilty of the social comparison praise.  What also stuck out to me was that while our kids need us in their corner, and to be their biggest fans, we would be doing them a disservice to make them think they are flat out better than everyone else.  Boosting them up as the greatest thing you’ve ever encountered may cause a sense of entitlement and can result in disappointment along with questioning of their self-worth when the rest of the world doesn’t seem to agree with their mom’s views of them. 

When it comes to sharing our pride in our children with the rest of the world, it turns out there are mostly just opinions out there, not much for real science.  So, for good measure here’s my opinion as well.  If you’re proud of your child, feel free to post away!  Just keep in mind that if you’re bragging about every food Junior eats, or every word Suzie says, most of your friends are going to tune out, and they may miss the really big news.  

Oh, and I guess if you want to say “my son is better than yours,” I’d recommend you whisper that to yourself in the mirror during your mommy affirmations.  After all, sometimes that’s what gets us through another day in the mommy ‘hood.  

What do you think?  Can you praise your kids wrong?  

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Monica
Monica was born and raised in the Green Bay area, and has stayed here most of her adult life with just a short three year stint in Sheboygan. After high school, Monica attended cosmetology school in Appleton and has been in the hair industry for over 17 years. Her career has included managing 14 salons at one time, working as a national educator for world renowned Sexy Hair Products, and most recently as nit-picker extraordinaire as the owner of a lice treatment clinic in Green Bay called Nitorious B.U.G. LLC, while still maintaining her clientele and business as a stylist behind the chair at her salon Green Roots Salon & Spa . When not working at one of her businesses, Monica is wife to her husband Jason, and mom to three children: Reidar, Trinity and Roar. Their “Wolfpack” as she calls it, loves to travel and try crazy new foods, and have a goal of seeing all 50 states before graduation. While home, Monica enjoys crocheting and crafting, as well as serving as a Sunday school teacher, and of course cheering on the Packers! Monica’s mantra in life is “The best is yet to come” and she pushes the boundaries of this saying by taking on each new challenge in life as a potential door to a new opportunity