I sat in church on Mother’s Day, with tears streaming down my face. Our church was sensitive to the fact that Mother’s Day isn’t always a happy holiday, saying “Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wishing to be mothers, all those who have lost their mothers…” I heard them, but I didn’t feel the words. In my heart, I felt I would never be a mother, and it was devastating.
How could something happen so easily to so many around me, yet not happen for me?!? Failed pregnancy test after failed pregnancy test was leading me to believe my dreams of motherhood were beginning to fade.
Infertility can put you in a dark place, and it can rear it’s ugly head when you least expect it. Mother’s Day should have been the perfect time to celebrate my own loving mother and wonderful mother-in-law, but living far away from family then had me feeling selfish. I had no plans to cry during church that day, or even get emotional, but things really hit me. My husband and I had tried and tried and tried and were more than ready for parenthood (or so we thought…). I wasn’t sure at that point how many more failed pregnancy attempts, conception windows, and ovulation kits I could take.
Thankfully my husband, my rock, was solid and stood firm the ENTIRE time. He knew exactly how hard the process was for us, but he also believed we would have a family someday. He often told me it might not look like a traditional family, but he had faith we would have children. Some days I didn’t want to listen to his hope, but I was always grateful to be going through the process together.
My story has a happy ending, and I hope yours does too. Little did I know, but I was actually pregnant that day and would find that out a few weeks later. My husband likes to tell me I started to lose faith, and God showed me by giving us twins!
I should have known how hard parenting was going to be since I already struggled with it so much before we even had the actual children (just in different ways)!
This year Mother’s Day will be happy (hopefully I won’t have to remind myself that too many times that day…wink). I am more than grateful for my husband, our three children, and this crazy, beautiful, balancing act of motherhood. I also feel very blessed to share these moments with my mom, my mother-in-law, my sisters, and all the other lovely women who have helped shaped my life. So many of these women were there for me during the greatest and hardest moments of my life. While Mother’s Day may not be spent exactly how we envision it, let’s find a little time for things that make us happy, embrace the chaos and love, and celebrate each other.
Wherever you are on your journey of/to motherhood, I wish you the strength and peace to handle whatever is being thrown your way. Happy Mother’s Day!