I’ve always heard that major life events tend to separate true friends from the rest of them. I was fully prepared that being the first of my friends to get married and start a family would mean that I 
would inevitably be leaving some people in my past. But my close friendships flourished following our humble courthouse wedding, which I was determined to pull off while causing little to no stress to ourselves and our loved ones. Again, I was pleasantly surprised when all of my single friends made efforts to visit me after we returned home from the hospital to snuggle lovingly on my squishy new baby. I thankfully thought my friends might turn out to be an exception to the rule, which came as a huge relief as I embarked on the transition into becoming a stay-at-home mom.
This very lonely, albeit extremely rewarding, career choice kept me starved for adult interaction and an eager participant in my relationships with my friends and family. I relished in most invites and opportunities to get out of the house, both with my baby and by myself with my husband’s support and encouragement. In my first year of parenthood, I juggled my responsibilities and my relationships flawlessly. While I saw my friends less than I had prior to having a baby, we still made an effort to keep in touch through texting and social media when our schedules did not allow us to physically spend time together.
Our friends were present for the celebration of our son’s first birthday and for the revelation that we were excitedly expecting baby number two. In the weeks following our big announcement I began to notice a change in some of my relationships, including the one with you…my best friend. Our efforts to spend time together became nonexistent and weeks would go by without a single call or text to one another. I spent my second pregnancy alone and feeling sorry for myself until gradually it became apparent that I had done this to myself.
Your efforts, while more scarce, were thwarted by my excuses and busy schedule. Now, six months into being a mom to two, my hindsight has allowed me to realize that I unknowingly became my own worst enemy in the fight to maintain my friendships. I’ve grown to be the “flakey” friend and while you might not yet be able to relate or fully understand, I owe you an explanation. I still cherish our friendship but I rarely give it the time or attention it deserves and requires and these are just a few of the possible reasons why:
I don’t have the energy.
Together, we have enjoyed our fair share of over-priced caffeinated beverages whilst shopping or lazily lounging on my couch. Once upon a time my coffee consumption was almost entirely for taste and enjoyment. These days, it’s all about survival. Nursing a baby and chasing a toddler while keeping up with grocery shopping, cooking and housework requires more energy then I’m capable of producing. And until someone is able to give me a constant IV drip of Starbucks, expenditures of my energy outside of taking care of my children just aren’t likely to happen.
I’d rather spend my free time in silence.
Silence is really REALLY hard to come by as a stay-at-home mom. I don’t enjoy the simple luxuries of a work commute or trips alone to the bathroom. Even my evening shower is peppered with the sounds of tiny running footsteps and curtain checks by my two-year-old. The brutal, but honest, truth is that I miss you, friend. I miss the girl-talk, the gossip, and the uncontrollable laughing that were so bountiful in my pre-baby days. But I miss the silence more.
I feel guilty.
Even when I know I need it; even when I’m running on fumes; and especially when I’ve had a rough day filled with parenting moments I’m not proud of, the guilt of stepping away can be overwhelming. In over two years I’ve given myself a break only a handful of times and inadvertently I spend the entirety of my “me” time beating myself up over my shortcomings. Powering through without a break means I’m able to outrun the guilt…even if only until my family has settled into bed for the night.
